Thursday, November 3, 2016
An open letter to my 26-year-old self
Dear 26-year-old Syasya,
Usually little kids do to this to themselves for when they'll be 16, but since 6-year-old Syasya forgot to leave any words for 16-year-old Syasya, I think it's best if I write something to 26-year-old Syasya. I don't know how am I supposed to start this, Hello adult Syasya. How are you doing by yourself? I wonder if anyone will still care as much for you at 26. Do you still remember all the friends you had at high school? Shanghai? Dynamites? The debate team? But let's leave that for later.
Are you still breathing the haze of Malaysian air? You promised yourself to get out of this stupid country years ago! A reminder, when you were 16, in 10 years you wanted to be a graduate (most probably law) at Cambridge University or maybe Harvard or maybe Oxford or maybe Yale or Stanford or I don't know, 16-year-old Syasya is really ambitious but she's not doing well in school as she expected she would be a few years back. And remember how you REALLLYYYY wanted to pursue A-levels at KYUEM for no significant reason. And how bad you wanted to be a Yayasan Khazanah's scholar, but at this time you're still not Khazanah worthy. And you also wanted to debate for your university. I wonder if you've already achieved this by now - at 2026? If not, I wonder what other choices you decided to make in the future? I guess it's for me to find out.
But seriously Syasya, at the very least at the age of 26, you should already be a master cook, very fashionable, well-known, won a big debate tournament, have clear skin and be at least 2 inches taller. MUST.
If you ever lose hope, please do remember that hopeless teenage Syasya is always determined to do anything she wants (although she is not capable of it). So in any situations that you feel like giving up and stepping down, remember that your 16 year old self would not allow it. Your 16 year old self would sure, cry but she won't stay back down. Therefore, no matter what happens, please remember to sit up straight and stand tall.
You know adult Syasya, at 16 Umi has always been mentioning about your wedding "10 years later". But 16 year old you didn't want to get married. She wanted to be the next Amal Clooney - handling high profile cases and being rich and pretty and all. I wonder if you've already found "the one" by then. OMG WHAT IF YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED????? WHAT IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A CHILD?????? oihugytfrdeswszxfcvbnjmkjgy. I can't digest you (or in this case, myself) getting married at an early age. I get that you don't want to settle down, and if you're not ready, don't allow yourself to get pushed by responsibilities (I think it's already clear that by now in 2016 Umi expects a grandchild in 10 years and she also mentioned that Mak Tok wants to see you have a child before she goes I don't get la Mothers let me enjoy life and be freeeeee) and I think it's okay to let Nina get hitched first. I don't know about you, adult Syasya. But that's what your 16 year old self thinks.
Speaking about love, I have a feeling that you would find someone who loves you back as much as you love him (or if you decided to be gay then, HER) please don't lose yourself when you find love. 16 year old Syasya had enough. You have to thank me for falling for people at teenage years, I bet you'd already be so resilient and smart you won't ever get heartbroken anymore. You are very very welcome, Miss/Mrs. But in this case, I so far haven't regret any choices I made, in fact, I'm proud of it. Please publish a book about poems and feelings and shit if you haven't done it yet.
Don't forget to always be nice to everyone. Even if people are extremely mean to you, we both know that you still have temper problems every now and then, do remember that the best of mankind are the ones who can control their anger. Everyone deserves to be treated nicely, you deserve to be treated nicely as well. So treat people in the way that you would like to be treated. And never forget the people who would always have your back.
I know that you'll be extremely busy, adult Syasya, you're already busy at the age of 16. However, never forget your roots; who you are, your family, and where you came from. You are your family's biggest hope. Between us, I bet that Umi and Abah will be disappointed in you every now and then. Your values will never tally to theirs, You may choose to drop a few things in order to pursue others, nevertheless, always respect Umi and Abah. Never forget to contact them and ask how they're doing. Ask for their forgiveness and try your best to be an Anak Solehah, for them. So I guess partying til 4 a.m. and that short skirt is something worth leaving for their sake. They don't have much time, and they'll always remind you of death and hell and heaven which will occasionally irritate you. Worst case scenario if you think you're mad at them for not agreeing with your ways, do know that they took the difficult obligation to raise you well, so at the very least, take the obligation to be a good child. Try not to raise your voice to them and don't talk back to Abah when he's angry even though he'll be silenced anyway if you do. Laugh with them and visit them regularly. Take care of Umi and Abah if they fall sick. Like it or not, they're getting old, treasure the moments as long as they're still available.
Also, I think Luqman will be 19 in 10 years? Luqman is very stubborn so please be patient with him and don't forget to constantly give advice to him and cheer him up. He's lazy and he constantly wants attention, don't let Umi worry too much about him. And Nina will be 25. She'll be fine and survive well, I think she'd be the better daughter, apart from being so fragile. I hope you don't drift apart any further with her. Your siblings are annoying, and will probably stay annoying til the end, but no matter what they're the very few who'd take a bullet for you. And also the very few who you'd take a bullet for. Always make sure you help them if they have any trouble.
Most importantly, never forget your religion. I know you like all these liberal shit (at the very least 16-year-old you likes them) and sometimes you don't agree with some Islamic interpretations by local ustazs and all, but it isn't an excuse not to practice Islam. No matter where you are in this world. This may sound so conservative and religious and superstitious and surreal, but if you never miss your prayers and read the quran and follow the teachings you'll always be the winner you want to be in the end. Have faith. Have lots of it. I hope you've already considered in trying to change close minded mindsets of Malay Muslims by now - assuming it's possible, although it's a difficult task. I know you can do it.
Last but not least, whatever your choices are, I hope it will always lead to eternal happiness. I trust you to do that. And no matter what your decision is, I hope you can still be true to yourself.
With love,
16-year-old Syasya
4th November 2016, on your 16th birthday.
11:35 PM
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For your perusing
With SPM coming up, Syasya decides to write her journey to the biggest determiner of her life. (notice the brackets in her post counting down the days to the start of it) Turning 17 two days before Bahasa Melayu Paper 1, Syasya is an ambitious girl no taller than 5 foot 3, but with dreams higher than the sky. She spends her free time reading, sleeping, writing and lepaking. Syasya's a little bit weird sometimes, but, well, she likes to be different.
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