Saturday, December 24, 2016
Personal: What I learned in 2016
I am supposed to do homework but it's been a while since I've been writing and I need the satisfaction from it;
I would like to quote Lang Leav, where I think she mentioned that "only sad people write". This year, I've been writing less than I have ever been for the past years; I rarely open up my diary to jot a few words but when I do, I don't know what to say. Therefore, as a foreword, my 2016 is shitty as hell, but it's better than previous years. I'm way happier this year than I am last year. I am not one who loves the past, but for this post, allow me to blog about some somewhat significant lessons I gained this year.
I made it clear to myself that in January, that I will be extremely busy this year so I can't procrastinate and do things; to name a few; studying, research, homework - at the last minute. Things have been going well at the first few weeks of the year, then I started to get really tired and get caught up with my many responsibilities. I started to copy my friends homework, I only studied the night before papers (no kidding, this is what I did for diagnostics also, except for Add Maths which I pushed myself about two weeks before to be mentored by Mun and Amni, alhamdulillah they helped me turned my E into an A-, I wonder if I could get a better grade if I'm consistent with Add like this) It's true that teachers say me being active and missing classes drastically affect my studies, I don't want to admit it at first, but as the year goes by I started to see the relevance in what they say. If you know me well, you'll know I wouldn't trade off my involvements for my studies. They are the reason I'm still in this school regardless of how the school gets on my nerves on a daily basis.
My performance in everything this year has turned up to be overall - Average. I'm average in everything I do. And it bothers me a lot more than I show. I have no free time, if I do, it's either going to be for sleeping or books or talking to my friends. But I can't seem to maximise my abilities to a certain point where I'm happy with what I achieve. Sure, I should be thankful, and I pretty much am. But I guess I'm so tired with what life has done to me - or what I have done in my life - that I wanted more than I have gained. I always tell myself that I still have time, but truth is, I don't. I don't know how am I supposed to catch up with all the subjects I can't quite master, I don't know how am I supposed to be as smart as my teammates, I don't know how am I supposed to bring my team further than where we've gone. All in less than 6 months left. I regret I lost my focus when I multitask this year. It's something I'm gonna pin to my brain - FOCUS!! MANAGE YOUR TIME WISELY!!!
However, truth is, I guess I'm always tired with too many shit because I struggle hard to achieve big that I forget that I do it because I love doing it. I ended up still thinking about basketball in the debate room AND thinking about the debate team while I'm at the court. The quickest and simplest solution is to, yes, stop thinking - haha, but no, those two are worth all the space in my mind and all the seconds time offers me. But I guess I should start doing it for me, and in a religious point of view, for Allah. Sure, now that I have no time for messing around, I'm in it to win it, but like all of our parents say; Betulkan niat. I should be happy with what I do no matter how stressing it gets, and I should be doing it for me, in that way, I'll learn to progress and become better. I should love learning, not study to get an a good result, but 9A+ comes after I learn to enjoy studying. Sounds unrealistic, and you may not find the correlation here, but I believe that everything comes from the mind and a sincere heart, you think you can do it, you're happy doing it, you will eventually, it doesn't matter where you are now, all it matters is how far you can go. I hope things will go as well as I expect next year, be it studies, basketball and debate, insyaallah.
Speaking of a team, this year I learned that in order for a team to achieve big, you need the help from every team member, regardless of how insignificant that person seems, and regardless of she's in the main team or not. I don't have to elaborate on this much, but when you start to handle shit, and become a part of the team handling, you see that a proactive leader without followers who are as passionate or cooperative is nothing. We win together, lose together, our effort is done collectively. The spotlight belongs to no one, and even if you stand out, you're nothing without your team. Which is pretty much why I gave up after round 1 of selections, I guess that even if I'm selected and gonna be with a team of great people, I won't be as happy and as contributing as I am with my own team. Meh, guess that's just one way I look at it, and I like my choice. You can go with yours.
Alright done with the goals and achievements blab, I think that this year, minus the fact that I don't spend much time with my friends after school hours - like I'm supposed to - I have finally learned the true meaning of friendship. Unlike primary school, for secondary school I am not blessed with one best friend (you know that bestest friend forever and ever who's overly attached to eachother - I miss you Zarifah, it's sad that we talk less now) , but I'm blessed with many, if not bestfriends, close ones, and good ones, (but honestly I AM very actually clingy to all of my highschool friends when I want to be clingy please ask them) Be it my clique, my team(s), my dormmates, my classmates, glrflcs - wow mangat batch - and not to forget, my debate friends, and people who still talk to me online (DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU ALL) they're the best group of the people I could ever ask for.
And to the people whom may concern; I know that I've just started to try and be close to you or at the very least talk to you - i hope 2017 brings us closer, if not realllllyyyy close, closer than before -, but I could never thank you guys enough for accepting me regardless of the flaws I have. This year, I learned that no friendship is perfect, and this goes to mine. I had a lot of fights with my friends this year, some rational, some not, but regardless of that, the fights taught me that there are some people who are worth sacrificing yourself, your ego, your stubbornness for. And people are not perfect, but the idea of being friends is to tolerate those imperfections, and to be there to help them with it. I can't be there for you all the time, which is why i feel guilty that you guys are willing to be there for me. Thank you for cheering me up and making me laugh even when I'm really tired with shit, and thank you for tolerating my stupid jokes and me randomly interrupting you whenever. You guys are the best.
It's kinda disappointing that 2016 didn't go the way I planned. This is the year that disciplinary teachers catches me do something wrong on a monthly basis - It's not THAT bad but.....teachers - and that I have to juggle so much responsibilities. Speaking of responsibilities, I'm going to miss being a HiCom, although I'm like the worst in terms of discipline. I had fun leading the block for sports day and even though I hate every minute of AAT and ASRT preparation, I was ecstatic that we ended up 1st for ASRT and 5th for AAT, all those goddamn reports and staying for almost the whole day at the Bilik HiCom and the Warden's Office to do kerja biro paid off real good. If I were there during the awards ceremony I would NEVER shut up about it for the whole night god so happy. Proud to serve as your Capt/Biro Koko, redhouse.
However, speaking of discipline, in my junior years, I initially planned to do a lot of things during form four. I.e; stargazing at the basketball court at 3 a.m, have dinner or supper at the rooftop, fly pergi kedai mamak, have a real picnic at the grassy area opposite to the hockey field, run around the school compound at 4 a.m without a tudung, and throw away everyone's toiletries basket to the ground as a prank, all these things I haven't done. I wonder if 2017 would be a lot more memorable if I do. ((WATCH OUT GUYS FOR THE PRANK HAHAHA)) But most disappointingly, I promised myself by 16 I would publish a book, win one tournament, and be in the top 10 for Diagnostics, which I haven't, and I didn't, and wasn't close to achieving either.
Oh well, thank you for shaping who I am right now 2016, I don't regret my choices, although I can't say I like all of it. May 2017 see the better of me. ((Back to homework for me, 9A+ is not gonna just drop from the sky just like that))
xoxo
2:55 AM
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With SPM coming up, Syasya decides to write her journey to the biggest determiner of her life. (notice the brackets in her post counting down the days to the start of it) Turning 17 two days before Bahasa Melayu Paper 1, Syasya is an ambitious girl no taller than 5 foot 3, but with dreams higher than the sky. She spends her free time reading, sleeping, writing and lepaking. Syasya's a little bit weird sometimes, but, well, she likes to be different.
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