Monday, January 30, 2017
Personal: We are all tired, and it's only January
Good morning everyone! Can you believe that February is already furiously banging on the doors of our lives while we groan exhaustedly about how fast time flies. This is the year me and hundreds of thousands of my peers will be taking SPM a.k.a the "do you deserve broader chances in your future" exam. Honestly, I've noticed a lot of changes in my batchmates alone following the fear of the significant examination. The people who you never see praying at the surau for Subuh has now showed up before Azan. The people who the only way they have ever completed their homework was through copying from her classmate has now made an effort to do it by themselves. The people who sleep from Friday morning until Saturday morning on the weekends now open up their reference books and limit their nap time. My friends are eventually evolving to be really productive, it's amazing how ambition can drive you back to the road of success when you allow it to steer your life.
We all want those A+(s). 9A+, 10A+, 11A+, whatever goal you have.
Frankly, none of this is easy. Because in school me and most of my friends are not the ones who stick their nose on our modules and our fingers on our calculators 24/7 - although a lot of time is allocated to academic studying, I'm sure that if you're from a different school and if you're reading this, you are like us too. We are people with dreams beyond the amount of A+ (in plural form) we want. Sportsgirls with medals to earn, team leaders with competitions to win, juniors to teach, you name it. And the fight becomes harder when you have teachers who ask you to stop way too early than you expect. Last thursday, there was a parent-teacher meeting at my school and my parents happen to be present to meet my teachers. The first one was obviously my current Add Maths teacher (My add results reputation was the worst in comparison to other subjects), who is also my class teacher, who is also like a second mother, but who also recently made me promise that the nearest tournament I have is my LAST. Which - of course I can't. I was the one who planned the tournaments list, I know exactly how many times I'm supposed to go out and I know well that THAT is not my last. Previous form fives okay je keluar 4/5 kali before mid term? However, reluctantly, I did say yes.
That was the topic of discussion for all of my teachers I meet as well. I cried in front of all of them (especially in front of Teacher Diba, my add/mod teacher, she said that I was an intelligent girl with a good heart, tinggal jaga results je, and that insyaallah orang yang baik memang results lagi baik, and that I can be one of the top scorers ONLY if I want to, but she strongly opposes my involvements; SO MUCH EMOTIONS), because at that time I was scared of my future and confused but I don't want to stop too early. I feel like my job is not done just yet. I did agree to limit my absence in class. But one thing that really affected me was how my teachers think that I'm smart and I can score and that they believe in me (buuuuut because I always miss class because of my involvements I'm not there yet so "you have to do something"). Opposition to our involvements is something all of my friends get when their teachers come face to face to their parents, some are asked to stop, like me.
It's hard when you have to give up something you love.
To me, being an STF girl, behind the excellent results and consistency of being on top comes huge responsibilities, and this I've seen but have only realised in form 5. With excellence comes sacrifice. Both teachers and students sacrifice their holidays and quality time with their family just to polish academic progress. We rarely sleep early because of homework. We have no more room to fail because we have a reputation to maintain, especially if you're from the top classes. They only want an A+ from you, and nothing less. 9A+ or 9As simply has not become an ambition, it's an obligation. Something you must achieve. And we gladly enslave ourselves to the process. I don't like the pressure, but I need those 9A+. Bring it on, tension.
But despite the stress we are forced to endure. 2017 is turning to be a pretty good year. I'm starting to enjoy Add Maths and Physics, which I hate so much. I'm back in JB's cross country team. I'm staying in a hostel block filled with my batchmates. Sure I utilise 30 minutes before Azan Isyak to have a quick nap and the school is getting stricter in rules but I'm doing fine. I'm having fun and this is the happiest I've seen of myself in quite a while. I can't wait to end high school, but I'm sure gonna miss it when I'm gone.
Lillahitaa'la, insyaallah we can do this.
6:07 PM
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With SPM coming up, Syasya decides to write her journey to the biggest determiner of her life. (notice the brackets in her post counting down the days to the start of it) Turning 17 two days before Bahasa Melayu Paper 1, Syasya is an ambitious girl no taller than 5 foot 3, but with dreams higher than the sky. She spends her free time reading, sleeping, writing and lepaking. Syasya's a little bit weird sometimes, but, well, she likes to be different.
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