Thursday, May 25, 2017
Blood, Sweat & 5 years (163 days before)
Good morning everyone! PPM is over, and congratulations to those who went far and won. However, my Post Tournament Depression is still on, so I decided to write my agony in a blogpost. Please leave if you don't like emotional stuff.
It would be a lie if I say that I didn't expect much for my last tournament as an STF girl. After IIUM Asians, to me and Nashwa, our goal is clear; We have been underdogs, but in the arena of a spectrum of opportunities, we can go far, we can win. I'm pretty sure that's practically everyone's goal once they knew they would be competing in PPM Nationals. We set our fears and doubts aside, knowing that Nationals is competitive as hell, and became determined; We will fight until the end.
Little that we know that the end came so soon. So, so, soon.
3 weeks before PPM, we started our daily trainings. At first it was during prep, then we utilised our hours after prep, then it shifted from nights to afternoons post our examination papers. My academic progress at the moment is horrendous (ok to be honest it's not THAT bad, but I'm an ambitious girl with goals to achieve, you get me). But Nashwa and I had a mutual feeling that we could prove ourselves worthy during this tournament. It's been 18 years, 18 consecutive years. We wanted to be the ones who'd break the streak. So we thought that it would be a meaningful trade off, to make room for intensive training.
Thing is about trade offs is that you do that because you assume it is gonna bring a better outcome, but we people assume too much on the future we do not know of.
My life this year if full of trade offs and I guess for the past few months, most of it is for either a) debating or b) add maths. HAHAHAHA. Good news is my add maths results are practically quite stable now; Solid As to Strong A-s. (BUT ONLYYY if you decide not to look at my add maths pop quiz/surprise tests results, ALL IN RED INK) Seriously though, when I say I've been giving a lot up just for debating, I'm not kidding. I was supposed to be in the District team for MSSJ merentas desa and I had a strong chance to represent Johor for MSSM, looking at how well I did for MSSD, but I gave it up because SSIDC was on the same week with MSSJ intensive trainings (but SSIDC was BS) You could say that I purposely left the basketball team because I couldn't skip classes twice per month and I had to lead the debate team, I didn't talk to my teammates - who means a lot to me even until now - as much as I did previously when I dedicated my 5pms to the court because of that. I gave up on every other thing that I value of, that I actually love, that defined me, that made who I am, because I believed in this team. My overall results, dynamites, my running career (and my sleep and my social life lol) ....everything.
I cried post round 2 AND round 4. Actually post round 4 I wasn't even crying - I was literally wailing. I felt like at that point in life nothing is going right in my life. I thought that if you work hard, you'll get the outcome that you wanted. But I did work hard, I did pray a lot, but why didn't it go the way that we hoped it to be? I didn't know what to explain to my teachers who noticed my absence for a week, I didn't know what to explain to people if they saw the rankings. And the lost was personal to me, I have to admit. If whoever reading this saw me wailing post round 4, I'm sorry. I thought that it meant our only chance to break to quarters was gone - but actually later we knew that we wouldn't break anyway if we won that round. So it kinda served as a closure for me - a message that it was just not meant to be. Memang rezeki sampai situ sahaja.
I'm pretty sure everyone worked hard and sacrificed a lot in this too, but well, this was my first and last PPM. And I guess I thought people expected a lot from me, as much as I expected a lot in myself. We've never won a debate tournament before, and looking at how we could survive Zone, I thought that we'd do fine in Nationals. Honestly, I didn't like it that we were ranked amongst people who didn't invested as much for debate as we did. I detested the fact that some teachers went up to my teacher saying that they did better than STF in rankings. Every single member in this screwed up society is starting to define your debate progress by looking at how you did in this screwed up unfair system when you know that you deserve better.
But the biggest thing that bothered me was; How long will I stay this way? Why am I always not good in everything I do regardless of how hard I work? Why do things never go right? What do you want me to do? SPM is coming up man, if the same luck I have now will be the luck I have during Trials or the real deal SPM papers then I'm screwed for life.
Later on when I finally got my shit together, I started to see the good in it, gradually. Maybe because of the fact that I sincerely worked hard for debate, I believe berkat usaha itu akan datang dengan cara lain. Maybe I'll get a good university or a big scholarship, or maybe I would prosper better in whatever I would decide to do in university. You can't determine it for sure, I know, but Insyaallah, if you keep up the effort, niat ikhlas, like my add maths teacher told me, Orang baik memang end up apa yang dapat mesti baik jugak, fun fact: not to toot my own horn, but she said that I am baik and the phrase was directed at me HEHEHEHHEHE lek (aamiin)
And also, slowly, I started to see this as not the end. I was devastated because I envision PPM Nationals as the last tournament, the last chance. Sure, it is, and you can't deny that. But this wasn't the end of me. This is just a part of my long journey and turbulent waters do come to havoc your life. This is just a phase, and I will keep moving forward. Something good will happen in the end, this is not good, so therefore, this is not the end.
From all the choices that I've made in high school, I would say debating was the best one I've made. If it weren't for debating, I wouldn't be brave enough to speak my thoughts, I wouldn't have the courage to even talk to people, I wouldn't see the world in many perspectives and with a more open mind, I wouldn't even care about the people around me. Debating made me who I am, even though my past achievements weren't all that good. This is where I made friends, made enemies, and most importantly, shaped myself. I learned to love debating, not just as a platform to obtain certificates or to make myself endearing to interviewers. I love the sport of it, I love the debate family; my teammates, teachers, trainers. And it helped me to love myself.
To the people who has been sad about not achieving certain things for the last time, this maybe the last, but this is not the end. God knows it's for the best, and all we can do is to believe. Sometimes achievements are not just winning or simply the trophies you get. Achievements are the things you learn along the way, the bond you create with the people around you, the values in what you do, the things that a selfish person who's only in it for money, for recognition, will never obtain, ever. (Side note: Not saying that winners don't value what they do, but this is more on your purpose as to why you do it, not your outcome, it's undeniably amazing if you're a winner and you are also strong willed and sincere and all those good adjectives that I always forget to mention because I hardly pay attention in Sir Rashid's class nowadays huhu I'm sorry Sir)
All in all, I guess this is the last of high school debating for me, Alhamdulillah and thank you for everything. I know how hard my team worked for this. I know how hard my team worked for a lot of things. I know that everyone who was unlucky enough not to go far can do better in the future. Don't give up. I wish you all the best of luck in the future.
InsyaAllah, istiqamah and believe.
I'm pretty sure everyone worked hard and sacrificed a lot in this too, but well, this was my first and last PPM. And I guess I thought people expected a lot from me, as much as I expected a lot in myself. We've never won a debate tournament before, and looking at how we could survive Zone, I thought that we'd do fine in Nationals. Honestly, I didn't like it that we were ranked amongst people who didn't invested as much for debate as we did. I detested the fact that some teachers went up to my teacher saying that they did better than STF in rankings. Every single member in this screwed up society is starting to define your debate progress by looking at how you did in this screwed up unfair system when you know that you deserve better.
But the biggest thing that bothered me was; How long will I stay this way? Why am I always not good in everything I do regardless of how hard I work? Why do things never go right? What do you want me to do? SPM is coming up man, if the same luck I have now will be the luck I have during Trials or the real deal SPM papers then I'm screwed for life.
Later on when I finally got my shit together, I started to see the good in it, gradually. Maybe because of the fact that I sincerely worked hard for debate, I believe berkat usaha itu akan datang dengan cara lain. Maybe I'll get a good university or a big scholarship, or maybe I would prosper better in whatever I would decide to do in university. You can't determine it for sure, I know, but Insyaallah, if you keep up the effort, niat ikhlas, like my add maths teacher told me, Orang baik memang end up apa yang dapat mesti baik jugak, fun fact: not to toot my own horn, but she said that I am baik and the phrase was directed at me HEHEHEHHEHE lek (aamiin)
And also, slowly, I started to see this as not the end. I was devastated because I envision PPM Nationals as the last tournament, the last chance. Sure, it is, and you can't deny that. But this wasn't the end of me. This is just a part of my long journey and turbulent waters do come to havoc your life. This is just a phase, and I will keep moving forward. Something good will happen in the end, this is not good, so therefore, this is not the end.
From all the choices that I've made in high school, I would say debating was the best one I've made. If it weren't for debating, I wouldn't be brave enough to speak my thoughts, I wouldn't have the courage to even talk to people, I wouldn't see the world in many perspectives and with a more open mind, I wouldn't even care about the people around me. Debating made me who I am, even though my past achievements weren't all that good. This is where I made friends, made enemies, and most importantly, shaped myself. I learned to love debating, not just as a platform to obtain certificates or to make myself endearing to interviewers. I love the sport of it, I love the debate family; my teammates, teachers, trainers. And it helped me to love myself.
To the people who has been sad about not achieving certain things for the last time, this maybe the last, but this is not the end. God knows it's for the best, and all we can do is to believe. Sometimes achievements are not just winning or simply the trophies you get. Achievements are the things you learn along the way, the bond you create with the people around you, the values in what you do, the things that a selfish person who's only in it for money, for recognition, will never obtain, ever. (Side note: Not saying that winners don't value what they do, but this is more on your purpose as to why you do it, not your outcome, it's undeniably amazing if you're a winner and you are also strong willed and sincere and all those good adjectives that I always forget to mention because I hardly pay attention in Sir Rashid's class nowadays huhu I'm sorry Sir)
All in all, I guess this is the last of high school debating for me, Alhamdulillah and thank you for everything. I know how hard my team worked for this. I know how hard my team worked for a lot of things. I know that everyone who was unlucky enough not to go far can do better in the future. Don't give up. I wish you all the best of luck in the future.
InsyaAllah, istiqamah and believe.
7:14 PM
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With SPM coming up, Syasya decides to write her journey to the biggest determiner of her life. (notice the brackets in her post counting down the days to the start of it) Turning 17 two days before Bahasa Melayu Paper 1, Syasya is an ambitious girl no taller than 5 foot 3, but with dreams higher than the sky. She spends her free time reading, sleeping, writing and lepaking. Syasya's a little bit weird sometimes, but, well, she likes to be different.
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