Friday, August 25, 2017
Extracts from my diary (72 days before)
1st July 2017
Two things:
1. I have to start being honest to myself
2. I really have to start consistently writing in here again
But also number 3) writing with your watch being strapped on your dominant hand is extremely uncomfortable and disturbing. I wish that I could write neatly with both hands, so maybe the next time I want to do homework while eating I can do it cleanly without stopping or staining my worksheets.
Let's get to the real business
My head is so messed up with everything lately. Everything is just going in a rush. I just want time to slow down and stop for a moment.
I feel like I'm in this dark abyss, lost and clueless of where am I going or where my real destination is. If I continue to walk then will I like the place I am headed to? If I stop then what are the dangers that await me here? How do I escape this state of being - or feeling- lost?
However, unfortunately, the answer is only mine to give.
2nd July 2017
I know that I can't lie to people like that.
when I stop to think about it, I can't help to think that something is wrong with me.
I'm slowly turning into the type of person I hate the most.
But I don't really have a choice, do I?
5th July 2017
Random thoughts during a school programme that I'm too tired to focus on
1. Broken people with dark pasts either make the best people, or the worst
2. Is it that we are afraid people won't accept the dark side of us, or is it that we can't even really accept ourselves to begin with?
3. If you are only nice to certain people and mean to others, are you really nice at all?
4. We tend to take the people who would go an extra mile for us - for granted.
5. Question: Why do people drift apart from each other?
. . .
Come back, I really miss you.....
6th July 2017
"Surely those who believe, and those who are Jews, and the Christians, and the Sabians, whoever believes in Allah and the last day and does good, they shall have their reward from their lord, and there is no fear for them, nor shall they grieve" - Al - Baqarah: 62
7th July 2017
We are more than what we think we are capable of. We are more than what people think of us.
But what if we are just born to be mundane? to be ordinary? No matter how hard we work, what's the point of it if we are still gonna be stuck being just not enough..?
During our Agama class ustazah Hidayah told us that - "Allah akan sentiasa beri kita secukupnya, tapi bukan lebih" but why are some people so lucky to get more than they deserve?
. . .
Maybe I should be happy with what I have before questioning what I don't have. Maybe.
8th July 2017
"O you who believe! Take care of your souls; he who errs cannot hurt you when you are on the right way; to Allah is your return, of all (of you), so He will inform you of what you did." - Al - Maidah: 105
. . .
Good Morning! Today I am grateful for the people who are always by my side, and of course, the people who stay. I thank God to be blessed with people like you, and I pray that I will always encounter people like you in the future.
Thing is in life you can say that you would be there for people and they would still treat you like their last option. It's not that I don't support you, but if you drift away and don't care about what I think then I can't do anything much. Friendships can't be one sided as well. I've gone through enough shit in life to not put other people before me. I'm sad to see you in your situation but I'm also sad that you treat me like trash and like I do nothing to help you and push me away.
I have to take care of my heart before I take care of yours. I'm sorry.
9th July 2017
So Sir Rashid, I have a blog. If you happen to miss reading my occasional entries (I'm sorry I rarely write here Sir huhu) when I'm done with secondary school, you can log on to ashesofheaven.blogspot.com
if you're wondering why it's called ashesofheaven, well partially it's because my nickname is Ash. People rarely call me that now since I rarely join afternoon basketball trainings this year. but that's just where I got the idea.
The definition of "Ashes" is literally "remains of something that has been burnt" while "Heaven" is either the divine, afterlife, godly version of heaven or "a state or place of very great happiness"
Therefore, ashes of heaven roughly means "the remains of my very great happiness". What is left to the joy and bliss. The last piece of heaven.
Whether I write about something sad, happy, something that has happened or someone in particular, at some point of the reason behind my post, is that I was happy. And regardless of how it ended up to be, I enjoyed the ride.
In other simpler terms, the remains to my happiness is in fact; my writing, my thoughts - the memories.
10th July 2017
Home is still approximately two months away, and with the busy weeks ahead of me, I'm extremely homesick. I haven't talked to my mom since I'm school-bound. And I really miss her. And I miss my family. I miss waking up to my Mom's knock on the door during Subuh and my Dad's lame jokes. I miss my two younger siblings randomly barging into my room to talk to me or to take something that's not theirs. And I hate it that I have to wait for a long time in order to have that back. I'm so stressed out here and I'm so worried about myself and I'm so scared I just wish that I have them near me right now.
I just want to go home...
. . .
I have a responsibility. I have a responsibility. I have a responsibility.
12th July 2017
"And the servants of the Beneficient Allah are they who walk on the earth in humbleness, and when the ignorant address them, they say: Peace" - Al-Furqan:63
15th July 2017
"And those before them did indeed make plans, but all planning is Allah's; He knows what every soul earns, and the unbelievers shall come to know for whom is the (better) issue of the abode" - Al-Ra'd:42
21st July 2017
Certain personalities or attitudes or feelings are so strong that it glows from their faces like moonlight. And you don't need to hear how people or how they describe it because you can already feel it.
You know, like sincerity, love, or narcism
1st August 2017
Growing up I have realised that we should do what's right, not what follows the rules.
It's always okay to go against the rules to stand for what is right.
And just because everyone is against you, it doesn't mean that you're wrong.
4th August 2017
You cant keep bartering 15 cent apologies for million-dollar forgiveness,
and showcasing the "I forgive you"s you've won like Grand Slam Trophies,
I guess being sincerely sorry doesn't look good on your egoistic designer outfit,
Maybe being filthy rich has done something to your heart,
But you, being you, you are desperate to sustain your wealth,
So you, being you,
you keep selling the same thing to gullible souls,
ignorant with your hefty profits.
over
and over again.
. . .
When you drain millions from a person in exchange for less than a dollar, eventually the person will not afford to buy even your cheap apologies anymore - let alone the pristine, real ones.
. . .
And beware, dear businessman, of the person who's smart enough not to buy what you offer.
6th August 2017
Pre Trials: I will fight, I will live, I will prosper. Bismillahirahmanirahim. Lillahitaala.
23rd August 2017
Post Trials: It's painful when you've worked so hard but you're always not good enough. Like, astaghfirullah, Why am I so unlucky? Should I even try harder if things won't change?
24th August 2017
It's not the end yet. It's never the end. No matter what the outcome is, at least I'll give all I have for it.
- the end -
Note: These are just extracts and bits and pieces of what I've written in school. When I was in Form 3 and Form 2, I used to share my diaries with my friends. For some reason, I let them read everything. And I actually enjoyed it. That's how I had the motivation to keep on writing and start this small blog - which I only update like 5 times a year but heyyyyy it's small but it's something. But as I get older in form 4 and form 5 I write less and when I do it's very personal. And most of it I don't want to share. So that is when people stopped reading my diary. So to the people who used to like my random ramblings, here you are! The bits of pieces that I'm okay with sharing.
Also, if you're wondering why in the world did I decide to publish this; it's because that I think that most of my posts usually show optimism and strength, so I think that publishing some parts of my diary will at least neutralise it, to show that I'm also very flawed and a lot of things go wrong in my life and I'm actually really sad about it and that I give up a lot of times too, although it's not really that explicit.
All in all, thanks for reading what I write. 'til the next post. XOXO, Syasya.
4:11 AM
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With SPM coming up, Syasya decides to write her journey to the biggest determiner of her life. (notice the brackets in her post counting down the days to the start of it) Turning 17 two days before Bahasa Melayu Paper 1, Syasya is an ambitious girl no taller than 5 foot 3, but with dreams higher than the sky. She spends her free time reading, sleeping, writing and lepaking. Syasya's a little bit weird sometimes, but, well, she likes to be different.
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